Back on track

Over the last couple of years I’ve gotten used to the fact that I’m going to get off track sometimes.

There will be days where I’m juggling being a mother,a student and a business owner and days where I’m struggling just to throw some stretching into a day full of being a mama. It’s been that way lately. It gets harder to keep all the balls in the air but its worth it so I keep coming back. And as I come back to dance, I come back to blog.

I need to keep a record for my own motivation.

I need to be able to look back and remember the times where I stopped and how disappointing it is to have to come back to it.

So I need to come back more often.

I have my workout plans in order. They are a bit ambitious but so am I. I may cut it down to size but for a bit I want to keep them as it and work through them. I want to see myself progress over the next 60-90 days in a big way so my plan is intensive for that purpose. At the end of the day its hard to make myself do it but I wont see results otherwise, right? So I’ll do it and I’ll post here to show progress. That will keep me blogging and working out. Deal? Awesome.

 

 

 

Working out my work out

I have a pretty good base workout already but it doesn’t quite work for me yet.

Over the past week, I’ve been reading various articles on what kind of person I am and one that I found most interesting is this one: Quiz

It helps you to see what your personality is when it comes to your motivations. I’m a questioner. It fits me to the core. I have to have all the information and it has to make sense and feel right before I do it. I don’t tend to just do things without analyzing it completely. Being that way makes it harder to just decide to work out and get going, among other things. If I’m not feeling it completely, it just doesn’t happen.

With my last workout routine, I researched it, picked the exercises but it didn’t motivate me because it didn’t work well with me so while it will be a base (I didn’t search for all those exercises for nothing!) I have some more criteria for finalizing the next one.

Some points to incorporate:

1 – I have to feel sure of what I’m doing. What am I trying to accomplish – strength, flexibility, body toning? Will these give me the results that I want? Do I feel good doing this? I need to go through the next routine and really make sure it matches up.

2 –  What is absolutely necessary for me? Do I need yoga, walking, jogging, different workouts? I don’t like to have anything cluttered and busy so if my workout isn’t something simple, I may not stick to it just from the fact that it’s complicated. If it’s too simple, I may get bored so it has to have variety without complication.

3 – Is it time consuming? There are not enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do but I do have time for 30 minutes here, ten minutes there. Can it be broken down so that I can get a good workout in daily? If I feel like I have to take a giant  chunk out of the day, it may not work for me anymore. Sometimes my hour of power can be an hour but not always.

4 – Am I rewarding myself for the work that I’m doing?  Early on when creating a habit, it’s hard to stick with it. During these early days I want to reward myself for sticking to it. I’m going to create a short list and when it’s reward time (once a week), I get to pick one.

With these in mind, I expect that my finalized routine will include the necessary exercises to get me to my goal. They wont be complicated or so long that I can’t take 10 minutes and complete something and while I’m getting started, I’ll keep my reward in mind since I’m more likely to reach my weekly reward than my goals to start with.

I know what body parts I want to work on and I have exercises to match so next post, I’ll attempt to lay out my workout and give it a trial!

Find a way, not an excuse

In the weeks since my last post, I’ve been working on planning our upcoming trip. We’re due to leave in less than two weeks hopefully and in the meantime, I’m attempting to rebuild my exercise routine. I agreed to do a 100 days arabesque challenge. I took it on because not only do I need to work on my arabesque (I’ll post some pictures next post) but I need the motivation. Working out and sticking to it daily, is tough for me.

As I mentioned in my short history post, I chose baby over ballet because of a physical ailment. That chronic issue makes me exhausted, pained to the point of crawling into bed and just not at all in the mood to get anything done. I’ve let it stop me from dancing and living before but I’m not getting any younger, I’m not getting any more fit and I’m not getting any happier when I sit and do nothing. I’ve learned over the past several years, that it’s not going to go away. It doesn’t have a cure so this is who I am and what I have to fight against on a regular basis.

I’ve been doing well with this whole ‘don’t stop living’ thing, if I may say so myself. We’re getting ready for the second leg of our trip with fun activities and plenty rest time but I’m missing the all important dance element. I have to include a routine that will keep me focus.

I’ve been working on what I call my hour of power. It’s twice a day, includes my theraband and an online ballet class but now that I have an app on my phone (Skimble) I’m going to incorporate some other workouts. My goal for the week is to get this workout streamlined so that I can make every effort to get it done and waste no effort on excuses. I’ll post that too once it’s finalized.

Dreamy #TBT

Last night I had a dream that I found my pointe shoes.

In this dream I was as excited as I imagine I will be in real life. Smiling to myself, turning them over and over in my hands. I was looking at the details of their use, the pink of the satin which I love, how I broke them in before and at the ribbons and elastic that I sewed on. I noticed things about the right that was different from the left. Even in my dreams my shoes are worn in the same way as I do in real life – a little worse on the left as my right was injured. I guess I baby myself in my sleep too.

I woke up kind of upset. My shoes aren’t missing per say. They weren’t thrown away or anything like that. They’re locked up in the family storage unit and though I’ve tried several times, I’ve yet to uncover them. I miss them as silly as it sounds.

I’ve thought of that dream several times over today. It wasn’t until early afternoon that another detail popped out that I thought nothing of before. I was standing in front of my old house. I haven’t seen this house in so many years. It didn’t mean much of anything until I remembered what I used to do in this house. This was the house where I would dance in the living room and watch my favorite ballet movie. It started there.

I find it incredibly interesting that I was re-discovering my shoes standing right outside that house. Same me, same car, my shoes, childhood home. It kind of feels like my new new beginning is throwing it back to the old one, the very first one and saying we’re here now and we’re going to carry on. I have my motivation, my goal in front of me and that little girl twirling hasn’t been forgotten at all. Not even in my dreams.

I played around on Facebook early after waking and felt lucky that a ballet article had been posted. Not just any ballet article either . This one was an adult ballet dancer starting over and loving her imperfect self. If I needed any other nudges, there it was.

But I don’t need any more. I’m already on my way. Maybe tonight in my dreams I’ll be dancing in my shoes.

And Here We Are

I managed to write out the last 18 years in pretty quick posts. I was worried I wouldn’t get them going if I didn’t put them out there and schedule them right then and there. Sorry there isn’t much detail but I also didn’t want to bore you.

So there it is.

As of now, I’m 29 and my son is 4. I’ve been back on this ballet kick for several weeks but only physically active on it for the last week or two. In the last year we’ve had so many changes that have led us to here.

In September we became nomads. I packed away even more of our stuff and we set off to travel our state. We were visiting family in our hometown when one event set off a chain of events that has me sitting here typing up a dance blog.

In quick succession:

My computer died leaving us in town for longer than planned. I do everything online included work on my second degree so I couldn’t leave without it.

We were able to spend that longer time hanging around my granny. My son J became even more attached and I dug deeper into family history with her.

We came back to town for the birthday parties we hadn’t intended to come back for and sadly that’s when the worst turn came.

My granny came to town and eventually passed away on Thanksgiving of 2014. From then on we’ve been in town dealing with grief and eventually letting our plans take shape, change and form again. Throughout all of this, I would take time away to run and clear my head. Doing so slowly brought in the thought of conditioning for dance. I took one dance class two years ago and like always, wanted to return again and again. I made a goal that I would when I settled down again.

So much for that thought.

We aren’t settled down. In fact, I’m planning a longer travel tour to happen soon (hopefully). I have two dance studios in mind and Youtube videos saved and well, there’s no time like the present. I may not be back to a full time dance schedule or back to the studio but it’s been years of wanting and waiting and trying and stopping. If I learned only one thing from jumping right into having my son myself it would be that there is never a right time to start or else you’ll wait too long and never do it. I have resources at my fingertips – Pinterest for workouts, Youtube for barre, Facebook and Instagram for support and information. What else do I need but to get up and do it? I’ll get into a studio soon but to get my self in shape?

The time is now.

And here we are. I’ve set up an instagram account for my ballet journey (it’s over there —> on the side). I’ve started to slowly put my body through the paces to see where I am now and where I want to be (here’s a hint – I’m totally not ready for pointe and my flexibility has suffered). I had so much to improve but that’s the fun part. In a year, I’ll look back at this and be amazed at where I came from and at how hard I worked my butt off.

So here’s hoping I don’t lose my way again.

Here’s to staying focused, staying motivated and staying strong.

Here’s to never letting anything come in the way of the goal I’ve had since childhood (unless it’s more children – hehe).

I’m back and here’s to staying that way.

A Renewed Focus

There are very few things I’ll pursue over dance. Very few but at 23, I made a move towards the main thing I would stop dancing for. My son.

I was diagnosed with a reproductive illness which caused me to completely shift my thoughts. Where dance was originally number one, it was now about my future health and my future plans. A new number one.

I went after that future plan with the very passion I once had for ballet. I read everything about my illness that I could get my hands on. I made plans, prayed and planned just as hard as I did as a child. The exhaustion and pain that had slowly began to stop me from nearly functioning at all, wasn’t going to stop me this time. As if a light bulb had gone off, I was determined not to let an illness stop me from pursuing my goals.

Okay that’s very cliche and all that but it was true. I was slowly dying inside because not only was I not happy and not doing the things I wanted to do, I had no plans to stop it. I was caught up in so much pain and sadness that dancing was nothing more than a distant memory, a faded goal. It just wasn’t happening until it hit me like a slap. I needed to set foot in front of the other and get on the ball or go nowhere. So I started with motherhood and then, with the confidence that dance would yet again meet me in the end, I would dance eventually.

I became a mama at 24 to this sweet boy.

Little did I know, he would be the biggest source of motivation that I’ve ever known. Because of him and his goofy self, dance inched it’s way back into my life. We would dance as we vacuumed the house or have dance parties in the kitchen while cooking. I eventually bought that ballet movie I loved (so thankful for eBay!) and we would watch it together every year. I shared my love of dance with him and eventually he took it for himself. He had his first two month session of dance at two and I nearly died from the cuteness. To watch him dance on his toes “like mama” has been so good for me that I couldn’t resist taking these babies out of storage.

I think it’s safe to say that I’m back and hopefully I’m back for good with a renewed focus.

Life Happened

Towards the end of my senior year in university, my body felt like it began to fall apart.

Previously, I started a small dance school for itty bitty beautiful darlings while finishing up hectic semesters of performing. I was exhausted from running around for myself, taking outside dance classes, as well as injured (both from an overuse injury and an injury brought on by a goofy prank) and I thought I needed a break. I was at the point where I felt like a real dancer, my goal was met. I had learned how to break in pointe shoes and apply stage makeup. I studied theatre, was performing in shows and even studied how to write dance notation which would become my favorite subject. My hands were full and constantly juggling and by the end I was satisfied enough to say that’s it for now. I would soon find out that it was more than just a tired, clumsy body that I was dealing with.

I graduated just before my 22nd birthday and after having a recital for my lovely littles, I put my dance shoes aside in order to recover and work away from the dance world. I moved to a larger city soon after packing a box full of my dance shoes and books and tights and just about everything I wasn’t planning to use. I felt okay with my decision as my right foot was beginning to heal from it’s injury and my little dancers were starting school on their own. I found a job that required very little dance and put my heart into it. I became a nanny who taught a sweet girl simple dance moves as she got older. We would practice walking on our toes and twirling all the while the nagging and physical pain under my ribs flared. As she grew, I would sit outside her studio classes with the urge to jump into classes but the pain and exhaustion stopped me from signing up for anything on my own. I knew I wasn’t kidding myself. Just because I put it all away and was done with it, didn’t mean it was done with me. I was anxious to return but I needed to sort out my physical self and what this pain was.

My foot healed as well as to be expected and was less of an issue from my college days. There were times when I would walk too far or do too much and be reminded but I could handle that. I would learn  how to baby it just so and it would hardly register on my radar. The same could not be said for the rest of my pain. In the middle of my 23rd year I was hit with a diagnosis that would take my mind completely off dance and put it squarely into that of motherhood.

Life happened and suddenly I had a new focus taking up my time. Dance had yet again taken a backseat.

Hidden Hope and Open Doors

As time passed, I tried but failed to put aside my desire to dance. It just wasn’t possible in our situation. I knew we couldn’t afford it so my thought was to stop hoping for it for a while. I was such a failure I couldn’t even hide my hope. I grabbed at technique books, picture books, books on dance history whenever one became available at our local library. I didn’t care what it was only that it contained ballet.

When my time to graduate high school came around, I chose a local college knowing that I wanted to go and would. Much like I did with my ballet books, I poured over the course catalog hoping for something to excite me. Time and time again I would find only one course that did it for me and every time, I would reject it thinking it wasn’t a good enough path.

If four years of daily dance classes was staring you in the face, would you have said no?  It was the very thing I honestly, in all the world, wanted and I was saying no. It had come back around as I had prayed years before but I was conflicted.

I grew up in a family that had, what I at the time considered to be, better jobs. Teachers, counselors. Dance? I didn’t know anyone who did it professionally or even more than just for fun. I wasn’t sure if I should move in a completely different direction. Not only that but I’m not someone who has ever had just one steady interest. What if I committed to it and wasn’t any good, didn’t stay interested long, couldn’t do anything else with it? I couldn’t let it go though, not my indecision and not that bad devil on my shoulder telling me to go for it anyway.

And you can guess which one won in the end, right?

I tend to go with the decisions that are a bit more risky with the thought that I can correct them later. I’m not reckless but you’ll see more on that in coming posts.

I became a dancer, finally, at 17.

I enrolled in University classes and fell head over heels for ballet, jazz, tap, modern and everything related. For over three years, I danced and studied and danced and taught and danced and choreographed and danced some more. I would wear my dance tights out of the studios with my cuttoff warmups over the top and was secretly overjoyed whenever I was recognized as a dancer. My inner 11 year old was having a blast walking around campus in her big girl dance shirt. She didn’t want it to end, vowed that it wouldn’t and then, well, she graduated and life happened and her favorite slippers were soon packed away. Ugh, gutted once more.

but you never forget your first love…

It was only the beginning

I think I was around 11 years old when I took my first ballet class but I was already taken with ballet well before then. I can clearly remember watching my favorite ballet movie whenever possible and dancing in the living room, leaping in the hall, and twirling in my bedroom and wherever else I had the space.

The movie was the Nutcracker. To be specific, it was this one:

Nutcracker: The Motion Picture starring the Pacific Northwest Ballet. Oh how I loved it. I still pretend to have flowing peacock feathers whenever I watch it. No, I’m not joking at all. In my mind, I look and dance just like she did.

My time as a young dancer didn’t last long. Finances as well as the after school program being underfunded and discontinued were the reasons for it’s end.  To say my heart was broken is an understatement. My little heart hurt so bad that I couldn’t even control the tears. I was able to go through a costume fitting, a shoe fitting and a stage show. I had had a taste of what it meant to study dance along with friends and be considered a dancer. It was everything I wanted and more so in my room, behind my closed door, I prayed as hard as I could for dance to come back around so that I could have it again. I wanted nothing more than to be right back in a studio pointing my toes.

Unbeknownst to me, the chance to pursue ballet was right around the corner waiting to pull me in.

This was only the beginning, not the end.